Saturday, June 04, 2005

she says she wants me to be happy

she says that and it sounds nice on the surface, but deep down it doesn't feel nice at all.

really, what i think she is saying is that she wants me to be happy without her, that she doesn't want to be the one in my life that is making me happy, that she doesn't want to put in the effort.

it seems it would be easier for her, if i could just be happy without her.

it is complicated, because i don't think she is the only thing in life that makes me happy. i am not dependent on her for happiness and fulfillment. i don't think that there is one person that just completes you. i feel like if you look for that, then you will never find it. you have to be happy with yourself to be happy with life or anyone else.

however, i think that when you make a commitment to be with someone forever, you commit to being companions who will be there when you need someone to talk to or spend time with.

life to me seems inherently lonely and uncertain. somehow finding that other person and knowing that they are a constant in the journey of life makes the other uncertainties more bearable because you know at the root of it all you have a best friend who will always (or almost always) be there through the good and the bad. and that is comforting.

now that is gone. and it is just sad. especially, at a time when i need the support most that i'd come to expect from her.

it seems so dysfunctional, craving the emotional comfort from the person who is causing the pain.

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